I’VE decided to start my own religion.
Having looked at many of the existing ones, I’ve come to the conclusion they’re just not for me.
Many of them seem to revolve around a belief in something spiritual, which I don’t buy into.
And if they’re not being downright judgemental, they’re forbidding you to do something pleasant. All those Thou Shalt Nots.

I mean to say, what’s wrong with coveting your neighbour’s ass (or, in this modern age, widescreen, HD-ready 50-inch plasma TV)? Stealing it would be wrong, yes, but coveting it is natural, surely, if it’s better than yours? It may not be healthy, but it’s not immoral.
Then there’s all that no intimacy before marriage stuff. Yeah, right...
And what about the more extreme religions: those that ban eating certain foods (nonsensical), cutting your hair (bizarre), saving your child’s life with a blood transfusion (inhumane), gaining an education if you happen to be female (intolerable), or even hugging a person of the opposite sex in public (get a grip).
I’m all for people being allowed to believe what they want.
If you want to believe the earth was sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure (thank you, Douglas Adams), it’s up to you. Just don’t persecute anyone who believes otherwise.
So, no, I’m not a religious person. But – and some bigots believe this is contradictory – I believe I am a moral one.
In the absence of a religion I can really get behind, I’m going to start my own. Feel free to join if it makes you feel better, though I’m not going to try to persuade you to.
My religion has just two rules so far, though I reserve the right to add to them as I see fit.
The first one may seem familiar. It is: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or, in other words, treat others like you want to be treated by them.
Often referred to as the Golden Rule, it was said by that extremely sensible man Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount and appears, I am led to believe, in some form in most of the major religious tomes.
Its beauty is it’s very simple, but manages to cover everything important. If everyone followed the Golden Rule, there would be no torture or murder, no cruelty or abandonment, no theft or deceit, no unkindness or trickery, a lot less poverty and a great deal more humanity.
My second rule is also simple. It is: Thou shalt not iron.
It’s there simply so I can say: “No, I haven’t ironed my shirt. It’s against my religion.”
Any suggestions for more rules?

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