DOES anyone know who it was who decreed Christmas should now last two months?
Please tell me, so I can go round and force a large fir tree up their backside. Sideways.

WENT to see Steve Coogan at the Echo Arena last Sunday.
Laugh? I nearly did, once or twice.
Deary me, but it was pretty poor, especially given the £35 price of the ticket and the well-deserved comic genius reputation of the man.
Sad to say I think he should stick to TV from now on, unless he bucks up his act.
Steve's a brilliant writer and an even better actor, and he really did let down his fans on this occasion.

I WAS thinking the other day about how we still use phrases from long, long ago, many of which have no relevance to our modern lives.
Then I got to thinking we should rework them to make more sense. Here's a few:

Where there's life, there's life
See a penny, pick it up, all that day you'll have a penny
Red sky at night, shepherd's hut on fire
Red sky in the morning, fire brigade still not here
Least said, quietest person
Never cast a clout til you find out what it means
Never judge a book by its cover, unless it's by Jeffrey Archer
Every dog has a wet nose
Home is where you live
In for a penny, you got in cheap
Life begins when you're born
No news is boring
No pain, great!
A friend in need is often on the phone
Two's company, three's the number after two
A Rolling Stone fancies Kate Moss
Cleanliness is next to the sink
Once bitten, go to the doctor's

Anyone think of any more?

WHAT a beautiful day for the world to end...
I don't know what it was like where you were, but I woke up this morning, after what feels like months of non-stop rain, and the sun was shining, the swallows were chirping on the telephone wires, discussing the quickest route to Africa, and everything seemed right with the world.
It seemed to be one of those gorgeous, crisp autumn mornings you get quite often in September - all the more to be appreciated after such a terrible August.
Then I remembered the world was going to end today.

HELLO again, hello...
Just letting you know, if anyone actually reads this, that I'm still alive, ready, willing and able but a bit bored with writing, so apologies for not posting anything lately.
Well, life's pretty interesting at the moment. My new man, aka Frank, has more or less moved in (I've even found myself washing his socks lately). Just when does it become official, do you think? Is it when he moves his toothbrush into the bathroom, or his undies into the drawer? Or is it when he starts contributing to the bills? Do tell...
The other day at dinner, the three of us sitting round the table, The Princess, now a hugely grown-up six and just lost her first baby tooth, goes, apropos of nothing: "So, just when are you two getting married?" Cue spluttering, chips spat across the table and awkward explanations of "you don't have to get married, you know." I think she just wants to wear another posh dress. I didn't dare tell her it took me 14 years to marry her father.
Tomorrow marks the start of two weeks off work, the second of which will be spent in London, viewing Tutankhamun, Hampton Court, Buck House and other tourist attractions. I'll give your love to Lizzie if she's in. See you when I get back.

JUST a little error, but it made me laugh...
Near the end of Bon Jovi's jolly good Manchester Stadium gig a couple of weeks ago, they played a song called 'I Love This Town,' accompanied by a montage on the big screen of small-town America having fun.
At the close of the song they included some footage which, I presume, was supposed to be of the town they were presently playing in - on that night, of course, Manchester.
Up came some very old, grainy images of... Chester.
Ha ha ha... close enough, I suppose...

MY mid-life rebellion (I now refuse to call it a crisis – it’s certainly not that) continues apace.
And to be honest, I’m having more fun now than I have had for years – if ever!

WHERE would we be without our mobile phones?
The vast majority of us have them now – I only know one adult under 60 who refuses to get sucked into the mobile era, and he’s always been a little strange, bless him.

DESK jobs not being the most inspiring of ways to pass the time, it is often the simplest of things that help stop us losing the will to live during the working day:
Good-natured colleagues with whom we can share an occasional laugh and a frequent moan; that mid-afternoon, vastly overpriced but very welcome ‘posh’ coffee to keep us awake after 3pm; the unexpected cake or chocolate treat brought in to share; the weekly quiz in which we show our ignorance in the hope of winning a Twirl.
But it is the unusual events which can actually make coming to work worthwhile.

THE phrase ‘I spoke too soon’ springs to mind...
I really must apologise to my many fans (hello mum) for the delay in updating this blog.
Forgive me, for it has been several weeks since my last confession...
Various events and personal crises have prevented me from wanting to write, but now I have returned (did I hear a groan at the back?)